Fear and my counter transference reaction

It does not happen often these days, that I get that so moved working with a client. Especially with someone whom I have never seen before and will probably never see again. I tend to get more effected by clients who I know quite well but in this case, as I say, I will probably only ever see him the one time that I already have. But with this man who I recently counselled I was certainly emotionally moved by him and his plight

After counselling for 30+ years I have heard a lot of things. I hope I have not become too hardened by some of the things I hear in my work but I did notice this the other day and I noted the exceptional nature of my counter transference reaction.

A man in his mid 50s came to see me with his wife of about the same age. He initially presented what we call in the psychotherapy business a ‘calling card problem’. Typically these problems are the more socially acceptable issues like wanting to loose weight, wanting to give up smoking or maybe something like insomnia. People tend to see these as ‘normal’ people problems. As the client gets to know the therapist more the hidden issue tends to comes out which can happen in the first session or sometimes it can take quite a number of sessions to come out. The calling card problem gives the client time to assess the therapist and then can decide if they want to mention the underlying reason for seeking counsel.

His initial request was did I think he was depressed and if so what could be done about it. So I asked him questions which he answered and his wife was commenting also about their life, him and their work. As I acquired more information it became obvious there was another matter which troubled them both. The man was showing some clear symptoms of early onset dementia.

I decided to bring it right out into the open and stated there could be some signs of dementia. When I mentioned this they were not taken by surprise or shocked. They had obviously talked about this before and may have suspected something like this. By this time the question of possible depression had been forgotten and the ‘real’ issue was being openly discussed.

They had come to see a trained person, me, to confirm if I thought what they thought was dementia. I stated to him that he was showing some common symptoms of that condition and referred him onto someone else who specializes in that area. As I said this I saw the fear in his face as he knew what was coming with the probable demise of his memory and intellect and this is what moved me so. One could see the true fear in his face.

Indeed my referral probably was a reflection of a counter transference reaction on my behalf. My Adult reason for referring was because this is a serious matter and I did not want to get it wrong and therefore he should see one who has special expertise with dementia It is highly likely he will get a diagnosis of some kind of dementia and probably my Child ego state was so moved by his fear that I did not want to be the one who gave the final answer. Hence the real reason for the referral.

So it seems he presented me with a calling card problem because of his fear and I left him with a calling card referral because of my fear.

My fear met his fear

But it is one of those ones that you don’t forget about. Some clients you just don’t seem to forget over time and it is quite possible this will be one of those for me, even though I only ever saw him one single time.

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Parenting and the use of adverse emotions

One of the most primary tasks of any parent is to facilitate the development of the Adapted Child ego state in their son or daughter. 

When a child is born it is all Free Child ego state. The parents must do something to the child such that the Adapted Child ego state increases and is used by the son or daughter when necessary. The child learns how to conform when necessary such that it can exist in a society. It learns how to behave appropriately when necessary. So over time the FC must decrease and the AC must increase. How much the AC must develop is a matter of debate. However that is not the topic of discussion here. What is to be discussed is how parents can go about doing that with their son or daughter.

In this diagram CC has been used instead of AC

There are many ways it can be done and most are well known. The parents can use techniques like time out, consequences of behaviour or simply talking with the child such that it understands why it needs to conform in a particular situation.

There is another way to get a child to conform that is particularly effective. It involves using emotions. These are quite powerful at getting a child to behave in a way the parents want and hence they are used because they do work. There are three emotions that can be used in this way and they are fear, guilt and shame.

These are obviously painful emotions that people do not like feeling. As a result people, including children will modify their behaviour in order not too feel them. 

If things go wrong here she could end up feeling shame.

Fear

Parents can use the fear of abandonment to get a child to conform.

“Unless you go to bed now mummy will get a policeman to come and take you away.” 

A child at a playground is not following mother’s directive to leave now to go home. Mother just starts to walk away in the direction of home. Most children will begin to squeal loudly in protest (and fear) at mother walking away. Eventually however most will succumb, leave the playground and follow mother. It works.

Guilt

“Mummy felt upset and really sad that you did not behave properly at nana's house.”

“You promised mummy you would clean up your room and you haven’t done it.”

The child feels guilt and it works so next time the child will behave in the way mother wants it to. 

Shame

“You should be ashamed of yourself for...”

The parent in some way derides or humiliates the child in front of its peers or siblings.

The child feels shame and it works so next time the child will behave in the way mother wants it to.

These two children are being compliant. How has that been achieved?

These are usually quite effective ways of getting a child to modify its behaviour to do what mother wants. They work. 

But there is a problem. They have unwanted long term side effects. The boy who has been threatened with abandonment by mother may grow up and have dysfunctional relationships with women because of it. 

He may constantly feel the threat of abandonment and become pathologically jealous. He may habitually pick women who do cheat on him and leave. 

He may forever remain single because he fears the abandonment that might one day happen.

If shaming is used as a way to get a son to conform then he will grow up and develop what is called a shame prone personality. In adulthood he will experience the feeling of shame more often than others do. Shame is a very unpleasant emotion and can have devastating consequences on the self esteem. Many a social phobia can have some kind of shame component as can happen with chronic shyness or a sense of just feeling worthless.

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