Therapy and emergence of the self

Been working with this woman over the past few months and I am doing almost completely relational work.  She is pleasant, well versed in therapy, quite capable of introspection and seems motivated. All the qualities are there for a good prognosis.

But it is one of those times where you know something is wrong but you don’t know what it is. You know something is not going right but you can’t articulate it. My Free Child is reacting to her and the therapeutic relationship with disquiet. We have discussed this “problem” I have but it still is not getting to the core of it. My feeling reaction is one of unease. Not in a bad way but in a way of, “I know there is something going on here but I don’t know what it is”.

The work we are doing would be consistent with what Winnicott called the holding environment. I am psychologically ‘holding her”. This of course fits with a relational approach where the focus is on the relationship we have. I have come across the term in relational theory called - the emergence of the self. This fits for what I am doing here. I am simply letting myself go in the relationship with the client not knowing what is going to emerge for me personally.

Winnicott's therapeutic approach of the holding environment does this, but only psychologically. I must say I have always been a bit surprised how people can regress as they do in the holding environment. Indeed some people can become highly regressed. The perfect opportunity for hypnotic suggestions. Getting the client out of the chair down on the floor to do floor work can result in a signficant and abrupt change in ego states especially when they have done it a few times before and are used to it.

I have always thought this a little odd as the therapy in one sense is more about me than about the client. The focus is on my FC and how it is reacting and emerging in relation to the client. Of course the positive for the client is that as I become aware of my personal emergence I report this to her which benefits her. In this instance I don’t feel I have a choice. The conventional approach of analyzing the client, is going OK, but my intuition tells me I am missing something.

What is going to happen? I don’t know. I will have to wait and see what emerges.

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Phobophobia.

This phobia which is the fear of fear, is often undiagnosed. A place where it is commonly found is with those suffering panic attacks. It is probably safe to say that the majority of people who suffer panic attacks also suffer from phobophobia. As many report as soon as they have experienced a panic attack they then live in dread of another one coming and hence we have the phobophobia. The intense discomfort that panic attack sufferers report leave them living in fear of the next one coming which it often does. Often panic attacks come whenever they want and are quite unpredictable hence heightening the fear of the impending fear which will appear at some unknown time in the future.

Most conventional approaches to panic attacks and the phobophobia would seek to contain the feelings of anxiety in some kind of way. To work on ways of stopping them. Whilst the goal is for the panic attacks to stop and the phobia to stop how one goes about achieving that can done in a variety of ways.

Alternatively the client is invited to experience the symptoms of the panic attack in the therapy room with the therapist. This has a number of productive therapeutic effects on the client and their relationship with the panic attack. This approach in particular addresses the phobophobia and can have quite a significant impact on the phobia for a variety of reasons.

As one can see from this treatment plan for the treatment of GAD the focus is on getting rid of it, stopping it, gaining control over it, avoiding it and so forth. This has some significant contra indications and leads to other difficulties. The alternative approach being suggested here is to engage the neurosis and to establish relational contact with it.

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The anatomy of human self destructiveness

It has been postulated by many over the years, none less so than Freud, that we all have a life instinct (Eros) and a death instinct (Thanatos). These two interact in our lives effecting it in various ways at various times. It can be expressed in a wide variety of ways. 

Physically people will do things like exercise and set about eating a good diet. These are of course heath promoting and could be seen as an expression of the eros force within the individual. However for most there will be times, sometimes many times where the person will not exercise in such a way that is best for them, eat foods that are physically damaging to them, drink excessive alcohol, smoke cigarettes and so forth. The person will do these things repeatedly whist clearly knowing it is bad for them. This it could be said is an expression of the destructive forces in them, known as thanatos. Many people will spend their lives doing these contradictory set of behaviors over and over again. This strongly suggests there are two contradictory motivations inside them.

Psychologically people will do the same, perhaps even more so. Entering into a relationship can be very life giving and a positive thing for oneself. It can provide a sense of connection, fulfillment and strokes that are life giving in a powerful way for both the individual and the relationship. However thanatos can also be active in the way we relate to others. People can get into repetitively destructive relationships, some women can fall repetitively for unavailable men and then we have the idea of psychological games as was presented by Eric Berne.

A psychological game can be defined as a repetitive series of self destructive behaviors and games form part of almost all relationships in varying degrees. One reason for this may be due to the force of thanatos, inside each and every one of us. For such large numbers of people to repeatedly do things which they clearly and consciously know are damaging for their relationships, strongly suggests there is something at play that is central to human nature. The idea of thanatos could be an explanation for this.

Many psychology and psychotherapy approaches over the years have tried to deal with these two forces in a similar way. Essentially it is to rid self of the thanatos and to encourage the the eros.

For example in transactional analysis one talks about being ‘game free’. That is, the goal of treatment is to become game free and no longer play any psychological games in ones relationships. Relationship counselling is usually the same, about identifying the destructive behaviors in the relationship and making contracts not to do them. On an individual level the same tends to happen. Carl Rogers with client centered therapy had this at the core of his approach. It was assumed that if you provided the client with unconditional positive regard then their natural life force would be stimulated resulting in a natural growth towards health and any neuroses would diminish. The gaol was to increase the life force (eros) and diminish as much as possible the thanatos within the client.

This is common in a wide variety of psychotherapies and psychological theories. They use techniques to increase eros and diminish or extinguish thanatos within the psyche of the individual.

In my workshop on the psychology of human destructiveness I present a new approach. Like many other therapies one encourages the development of eros in the client’s psyche. Regarding thanatos, we all have it, we are all born with it and we can never get rid of it. It will be with us each and every day from birth to death. One does not try and get rid of it as so many other approaches attempt. 

Key to this approach is one does not deal with the behavioral or emotional consequences of thanatos. For example a psychological game is a behavioral consequence of thanatos, it is not the thanatos force in itself. One can use various techniques to access thanatos in the personality directly. One then has the opportunity to build relational contact with it. I cannot stress enough the importance of doing this. To be able to have direct contact with the core of the client’s self destructiveness is a most valuable therapeutic task indeed.

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