Nanny state - Part 2

I have been working with this guy for some time now and about 2 months ago the police appeared on his door step and removed all his computer equipment on the suspicion that there was child porn on it. He had been a vigourous customer of internet pornography but was sure there was no child porn accessed.

However as one can imagine this disturbed him greatly. And he has had to live with this hanging over his head for a few months. Most stressful indeed. He contacted the police a number of times to find how it was going and could he have his computers back. Each time he was basically told they were still looking into it.

Last week two police officers came to his house to return his computers and apologised. Now I have had other clients who have had their computers removed for similar reasons and the police do not treat you like that in such circumstances. This treatment was most unusual. They apologised and stated to him that there were no illegal images at all on his computer.

Furthermore they explained to him that in Australia there were now new laws in place where internet service providers had to flag certain searches, words and websites. When someone accessed these they were required by law to inform the police of what had been accessed and by whom. As far as child porn goes the net put in place was much too wide and they were getting reports being made of completely legal websites and searches, and then they left.

Holley Molley!! BTW his ISP is Bigpond which is the same as mine. About 2 years ago I wrote a blog post on the hijab and I got a couple of responses from some White Supremacists. Now I certainly am not of the same views as these people. However I have never met such people with these views before and I went to have a look at their websites to see what they say, how they think and operate.

Would this have resulted in my name being sent by Bigpond to some policing body? Is my name on some police file somewhere? If I am surfing the net and at some point end up at an “Osama is a great guy” website will my name be passed on then. Others than myself occasionally use my computer, so what have they been doing on it?

Pornography?

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Nanny state

In the last post myself and a few others have been banging on about how western societies are for ever evolving more and more into nanny states like with CCTV in the UK. Well I think we can beat that in the city where I live.

In recent years the police have been pushing for more an more powers to search and detain people and so forth. The government has just recently given them new powers as to use sniffer dogs in the main night spots areas of the city. This is where you get the late night trouble and drunkenness and so forth. The police have long maintained that these places are a veritable cesspool of illegal drugs that they are wading in illicit drugs.

Last Saturday night for the first time the police suddenly appeared in these night spots with many sniffer dogs and spent 6 hours in these night-club areas, train stations and so forth having these dogs sniff people for drugs. Thousands of people would have been sniffed.

Guess what? No one, not even one person was found to have been in possession of illicit drugs. So much for the claim of these areas are significant drug dealing and drug taking areas. With five people the dogs indicated that the person did have drugs on them. Each one of them when further searched by the police had no drugs detected. There was 100% false positives given by the dogs.

So here we can have innocent people walking along in public, displaying no intoxication or anti social behaviour who may be with their granny or perhaps others they are wanting to do business with. A dog gives the indication they have drugs whilst every one is looking on and the police take you out the back to give you are search. What’s your granny going to think or people you are trying to do some business with? People can easily think that the dog got it right and he/she had drugs on him but the police did not find it. When that may not be the case at all.

This is frightening to me that the government has given the police such powers. Also what types of searches have the government given the police the right to do. Interestingly you never see this reported in the press for some reason. Working in a prison I have seen many searches done of various types. When a dog gives a positive response I assume the police then do a “Pat down” search of the person.

I had many of these done to me when working in a prison. Often there would be random pat down searches of staff. This is where no clothes are removed and the searcher simply pats the outside of the clothing to feel if there is anything secreted on the body under the clothes. They pat all over the body and they go right up to the top of the inner thighs, and I can tell you that is getting pretty close and personal!!! I never had a guard actually feel my genitals directly to see if anything was being smuggled there but their hands get very close!!

Then there are the various cavity searches like the ears, nose and the mouth. I have seen prison officers find all sorts of contraband in such ‘cavities’ as prisoners attempt to move various drugs and so forth around the prison. I recall being shown a very small home made syringe that a prisoner had secreted up his nose for many months.

I hope the police in these night spot raids don’t have such powers of searching. For instance with the mouth search the searcher has to get up very close to the face and shines a torch in the mouth and then either gets the person to use their fingers or the searcher uses his fingers to pull the inside of the cheek away from the teeth and lift up the tongue. That was never done to me but it looks invasive to say the least.

Then of course there is the anal cavity and one would hope to god they could not do such searches!!! However even forgetting that part of the anatomy I have seen all sorts of devices made by prisoners that can hold contraband in between the butt cheeks for extended periods of time. In searches of this kind the prisoner was ordered to remove all his clothing, stand with his legs apart and go into the squat position. The officer then shone a torch to see if the was anything concealed.

Working in a male prison one only has to worry about the female anatomy when they are visiting their incarcerated boyfriends which includes face to face contact. In “visits” at the prison there was an extensive video surveillance system and sometimes I would see it when wanting to watch a certain prisoner. The vagina of course is a means of smuggling contraband and again I have seen all sorts of things that have been found using this part of the anatomy for transportation. I was told that a small home made pistol was once attempted to be transported in this way but I never saw the gun for myself.

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Establishing independence

There are eight main psychological struggles that children and teenagers need to resolve before they become psychologically complete as an adult. Below are the first four.

1. Leaving home. Establishing independence from home supervision.

*Emergence from parental supervision

*Reliance from the security one can give self rather than security provided by the parents.

*Development of an attitude towards parents as friends rather than protectors and supervisors.

*Planning of one’s own time and making one’s own decisions without parental control.

Free from parental supervision

In psychotherapy there is a general rule of thumb for the adolescent or adult client. Do they refer to their parents as mummy & daddy, mum & dad or Fred & Alice. This is about getting a psychological divorce from ones parents and if one refers to their parents by their christian names then they are more likely to have resolved this dilemma. If they refer to them as mummy and daddy then there can be considerable emotional immaturity.

To become an adult or a person in ones own right one must learn how to deal with the good and bad events in life. How to deal with things like gossip, rejection, feeling scared, ashamed, angry. It is the overprotective parents cause the most problems with this psychological struggle.

This also refers to the geographical separation from the parents such as moving out into an abode of their own. Physically leaving home can greatly assist the child in resolving this psychological struggle. This need can also be reflected in the desire of younger people to travel and see some of the world without the parents being present.

Family

2. Emotional maturity. A person does not become an adult until he has abandoned childish or adolescent ways of reacting emotionally.

*Substitution of harmless instead of harmful ways of expressing emotion. For instance young children hit and bite when angry. Temper tantrums is another example.

*Learning to react to emotional situations objectively. If someone is angry at what you have done, to be able to assess objectively if their anger is justified or not. Being able to move beyond simple revenge responses or an eye for an eye thinking.

*Learning to accept criticism without hurt feelings.

*Learning to face things that are unpleasant instead of running away from them.

*Elimination of childish fears and anxieties.

3. Social maturity. This is not independence from home but maturity in one’s own social circle.

*Development of a sense of security in one’s social circle.

*Ability to get along with others in peer relationships

*Ability to take part in the activities of the group, without trying to either dominate it or be excessively submissive in it.

*Freedom from excessive dependence on one’s social group. This allows one to go some what against the norms of the group but still remain part of it.

*Development of a tolerance to different social groups.

Choosing who to be friends with is up to them

Teenagers have an acute interest in social matters. They can be dependent and meticulously imitate their friends and social group. This serves a real and positive purpose in the break away from the parents. However it can become a problem in itself if the person merely becomes a slave to the norms of the group instead of the parents.

4. Beginnings of economic independence. One cannot truly become psychologically adult until they earn their own living.

*Reasonably accurate estimate of one’s abilities

*Selection of a field of work in which success is possible

*Completion of enough training to get started in one’s career

*Realising the need to work

One can not become who they are without economic independence.

This is a distinctive difficulty for children from wealthy families. Many parents will promote economic ties as a way to keep children around. This also highlights the difficulty when a child goes into the family business and is why often the second generation in the family business in much less successful. If given an easy path into the family business they tend to be more interested in the spoils of it than making it profitable.

In western society these psychological struggles have gained extra importance in recent years as they evolve more and more into nanny states. As the state takes more and more responsibility to protect and look after its young it is becoming harder and harder for them to evolve into what is seen as psychologically adult.

We are making it harder and harder for the young to become psychologically independent. To do that they have to take risks of their own and that means some of them will get hurt and some will even die. We have to accept that there will be casualties or risk the predicament of promoting a generation of dependents.

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Physical intimacy

I have been meaning to write about this but have never got around to it. With the current interest in intimacy I thought the time was right.

Most normal sexual activity would be a Free Child to Free Child exchange. It is of course possible to have sex in a different ego state, at least for the woman it is. She can have sex in her Adult because she wants to fall pregnant. I would say however, that for a male to have sex that involved him getting an erection then his FC must be involved at least in part.

If it feels good or is erotic for him then it would usually be seen as Free Child and then he can obtain an erection. This of course causes problems for male child who was sexually assaulted by perhaps mother or a sister because if he obtained an erection then it proves that in part he found it an erotic event and thus was in one sense consensual.

A woman can also have sex completely in her Conforming Child ego state. She agrees to sexual contact because her husband has asked or demanded it. She wants to say no but says yes for some reason. Again this cannot really happen for a man because if he is 100% “No”, then the necessary anatomical changes are just not going to happen.

However the female can do one other thing and develop a condition called vaginismus. The muscles on the outer third of the vagina contract involuntarily such that penetration is simply not possible. So if she is a 100% “No”, then this condition can form and thus stop vaginal penetration. When a woman presents with such a condition one certainly would be investigating the dynamics of her current relationship to see if she is wanting to say no to sex but continuing to say yes instead. At times this is not the case and the vaginismus occurs because of prior sexual contact she had and not related to her current sexual partner which is not really fair for the current guy. He has done nothing wrong and yet he misses out, but ‘such is life’ at times.

Whilst her body may be making a very loud and definite Free Child statement with the vaginismus, often in practical terms it is only partially successful at best. The male simply requests other forms of sexual contact than vaginal penetration and she continues to say yes.

Baring these circumstances most sexual contact is FC to FC contact and this can explain why some males suffer from erectile dysfunction as it is called. That is the inability to obtain and/or sustain an erection such that penetration cannot occur.

If the man has difficulty accessing his Free Child ego state then this of course can have consequences with his sexual functioning. When working with such conditions of course one would be looking at these kinds of personality dynamics. For instance a man who was raised with the belief that feelings especially sexual feelings are bad can have such problems because the Free Child is inhibited by such messages.

If he has a very active internal Critical Parent then this can also trample on the Free Child and thus result in erectile dysfunction. In this case he may discover than consuming some alcohol greatly assists with his ability to obtain an erection. The first thing alcohol does is knock out the CP and thus his Free Child is allowed to come out and be expressed.

Alcohol can greatly assist in such circumstances as long as there is not too much consumed. If the man continues to drink then eventually the Free Child is blocked out and then nothing is going to happen. Psychological treatment of this type of erectile dysfunction is to reduce the Critical Parent. It should be noted that there are other psychological causes that are not being discussed.

Being one of the most sensitive aspects of the personality the Free Child is particularly susceptible to stress. For instance if a man is placed under considerable stress at work then this can result in either erectile dysfunction and/or a significant drop in his libido. The stress simply tramples on the Free Child and thus the sexual behaviour is effected as such.

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Website update

On my website at Ynot I now have three more complied blog posting articles.

Are these two ladies lying?

One on the Persona

the sociopath and

the psychology of the lie

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Couples and intimacy

I actually had a good one today. You earn your money when one does couples counselling. It is usually not easy work and often the couple get locked into argument in the session, usually with no result as that is why they are there in the first place.

Getting ready for a couples

counselling session

Over the years I have just got more matter of fact about counselling couples and lay it out on the table. “If this continues then the marriage will end”, “Relationship change can occur if both parties are invested in that and willing to be introspective. If at least one party is not then there is not much use getting counselling” are the sorts of comments I can make these days. When stated the couple usually sort of sit back a bit wide eyed and don’t really know what to say. I don’t think they expect me to be like that.

However I saw a couple today who sort of got to me by accident and they had good communication patterns and showed effective problem solving. It was a delight to see and work with. Unfortunately they don’t really need to come back as they got a few things cleared up and they are quite capable of solving their difficulties with out a referee present.

The usual scenario is not that and these are the ones that need further assistance. Also sometimes/often couples get to counselling too late. The damage has been done and the emotional scars are too deep. If they had come earlier then more could have been done.

If any relationship is to last over time and be of a decent quality then you have to have this type of transaction persisting.

Free Child to Free Child contact is imperative. Without it the quality of the relationship will deteriorate. The problem is that the Free Child part of us includes our sensitive emotions and if it gets verbally assaulted then it will withdraw and be reluctant to come out again. If the couple have been at each others throats for an extended time then the Free Child ego states will be well and truly withdrawn and most reluctant to return. That is what I mean when I say the emotional scars are too deep by the time they get into my office.

In relationships the Free Child displays intimacy and vulnerability between the couple and this is why marriage as a western structure is really not conducive to such intimacy. When two people are living in close quarters as husbands and wives tend to do, sooner or later they get angry at each other. What happens then is pivotal. In such situations it is not uncommon to lash out in some way and want to hurt they other because you felt hurt by them first. As soon as that happens then the Free Child of both parties will retreat and be reluctant to return.

This is why it is easier for people to display intimacy and vulnerability to a stranger who you know you are never going to see again. Why it is easier to display intimacy over the internet because you know you are not going to see them tomorrow morning at the breakfast table. The Free Child feels safer and thus is more willing to come out.

Wilma and Fred felt

safe with each other

How we can talk to the person next to us on the plane and be quite open with them and say things we wouldn’t normally disclose because both parties know at the end of the flight they will never see each other again. Why holiday romances and freindships can be emtionally intense and intimate as both partites know in the near future they will part and probably never meet again or not for a long time. Why clients can be quite vulnerable with therapists because they know they don’t live with them and the therapist’s Free Child does not have some other relationship agenda that could be hurtful.

So what do couple counsellors do? Well those who work at a behavioural level will do things like provide lists of fair fighting rules. Common rules found on such lists are things like: No name calling or hitting below the belt, time limited fights, no old movies, stop expecting the partner to change and so on.

Fair fighting

If both parties kept to such rules when fighting then the Free Child would be much less hurt and thus not withdrawn. However like any behavioural contract in therapy it wont work unless both parties have introspection, good will and intent. If that isn’t there then you can have as many fair fighting rules that you like and it wont make a cracker of a difference. If the Free Child has been scarred by ‘dirty’ fighting in the past then good will and intent is less likely to be present.

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Demon, Lilith or otherwise

I have had this happen before but not very often I must say. Been working with this guy for some time and we have been in recent times learning about and dealing with a demon in his personality structure. I have written about this before at The Demon Since then Kenoath has set about articulating much more about the demon subpersonality with his writings on Lilith.

We all have a Lilith but not a demon subpersonality, but there are some similarities between them

I use two chair a lot when working with the demon. As I have said before many therapists in my view do not deal well with this because the usual approach is to in some way constrain or get control of this aspect of self that can be quite destructive at times. My suggestion is one does not attempt to do that but instead gets some kind of coexistence with it. That means accepting some of its destructiveness which most therapists would have a hard time doing.

Any ways we have been doing the usual therapy stuff and this man is very well read and most articulate. However his life has been a whole series of crises often influenced by this demon as I call it. He states however that this influencing part is more alien than the what the demon would be. It is not an aspect of his personality in the usual sense of the word.

He has in his past studied the satanic world and there was an incident in his 20s when he met this man for a brief period through a mutual friend. They disliked each other intensely and this person he states had some kind of influence on him in a metaphysical way. This is what he reports the alien part to come from. He states that prior to him meeting this man it was there in a rudimentary form but it was since then that it became more pronounced and defined. This part is frightening to him and this guy has a ‘tough’ character one could say.

Again he is a smart man who in no way is prone to being off with the fairies and reporting wild theories and beliefs. Psychologists however could easily account for what he reports about this alien part. It would be seen as either a kind of dissociation or mild multiple personality, a delusion of some kind or perhaps even a sort of somatic hallucination.

Multiple personality

I am not discounting any of these but in this case it is almost too slick and too easy to pass it off with some diagnosis as described. I have looked hard and he does not show any of the other signs one would normally find with a dissociation or hallucination and so forth.

So what does one do? First thing I do is keep an open mind. Don’t let my theories restrict my observations of him. I’m not about to break out the cross and exorcism handbook. In the final analysis he has to deal with it in some kind of way such that his life becomes a bit better for him. Use the model for dealing with the demon as a flexible template that is to be altered where need be. Try this and try that and see what unfolds.

Our theories at times make it very hard to just keep

observing what is there and what is not

There is a problem with psychological theories (and the scientific model in general) in that they can explain everything. It is in the very nature of how they are constructed to be completely deterministic. Every thing can be determined by them. Unfortunately reality is not like that. There are some things that cannot be determined or explained and maybe this is one of those circumstances. There needs to be a new diagnostic disorder included in the DSM-IV. The “I don’t know” disorder.

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