Monday, June 21, 2010

Lets talk about sex


Psychotherapy can be a strange profession at times. It is designed perfectly for people to talk about sex.



When talking amongst themselves parents often recount their horror and “OMGs” when the kids ask about sex. From those parents who are just plain uncomfortable with the topic to those who agonise over how much to say and not too say, so as to not have their child twenty years later sitting in a therapist’s office talking about the day mommy or daddy told me about sex and the resultant trauma it caused.


If such traumatised people are unlucky they can also get a therapist who is uncomfortable with the topic of sex. Lets face it, it is a difficult topic and therapist’s are humans just like everyone else and some of them are just not comfortable talking about sex. Some therapists report that their clients never seem to talk about their sex lives which is probably not a good thing. The client probably picks up on the therapist’s discomfort about it and then gladly changes the topic as they are uncomfortable as well.


I was twenty two when I first ran my therapy groups and I too was probably uncomfortable and unsure of what to say and how to react when a client wanted to talk about their sex life. Over time that discomfort subsided as more and more people talked about sex and now it is no different to a client talking about how they clean their house obsessively.


On a personal note for therapists, having this happen is a good thing as it desensitises them to talking about sex. I have heard a lot of people talk about their sex lives, what they do and don’t do, what they think about during sex, fantasise about, their wants and sexual desires, pornography and so on. And I can tell you, there is not much that people have not thought about doing when it comes to sex.


Some of the straightest looking people have done a lot of very unstraight things in the bed room. The most unlikely looking people can have the most voracious sexual appetites and the most adventuresome of sex lives. On the other hand when the lights go out the Don Juan man and super model woman can be as boring a bats**t in bed and have little interest in sex. From what I have heard over the years there is no correlation between physical beauty and performance in the bedroom. Indeed if anything there is an inverse correlation. I am sorry guys, but the most beautiful and sexy women in the world are more likely to be bad lovers than good ones.


As I said therapy is perfectly designed for people to talk about sex. The confidentiality allows people to open up much more and the setting is designed to for people to talk about concerns, fears and problems they might have about anything including sex. Sometimes client’s say that I am the only person they have ever told this to.


This places the therapist in a unique position. They get a view of human nature that it is rare, namely a cross sectional view of peoples most intimate thoughts and feelings about their sex lives. In a similar vein we have the prostitute or sex worker who also gets such a unique view into human nature but it only relates to the male side of the sex equation. If I ever see a sex worker who comes to me as a client, invariably at some point I will ask her for her views and observations about male sexuality and their sex lives. Sex workers have a unique perspective on male sexuality on this clandestine topic.


Not so long ago I counselled a 30 year old guy who had found a lovely woman and they were probably going to get married. He had a great concern though. He found that sometimes when he was having sex with her he would think about a past girl friend. He was very worried about this. He thought that he was being unfaithful to his fiancé to be and that this must mean that he is still really in love with his prior girlfriend.


My first step was to alleviate some of his fears with information about what others have told me they think about when having sex. By some standards his thoughts were very innocuous. Indeed his fiancĂ© to be maybe thinking of other things her self. When you think about it orgasm and sexual arousal are quite narcissistic acts. It’s all about me and what I find erotic. Some people seem to need a lot going through their mind to orgasm whereas others need very little. For some there are just a few thoughts which they find erotic, yet for others they can be many and varied and they can change considerably over time. Thus we arrive at the point of sex and psychological diagnosis.


As sex is such a personal and intimate act involving very close physical contact with another it is heavily influenced by the psychology of the individual. This may be why for some stress can have such a significant and quick effect on the libido. However it also can be a very useful source of diagnostic information psychologically. The type of sexual acts they engage in or want to engage in, differing sexual positions, their sexual fantasises and what they find erotic, the type of pornography they find arousing all can provide very good insight into the psychological status of the individual at quite a ‘deep’ level.


So much for the life of a therapist!


Graffiti

26 comments:

  1. Hmm, interesting. I wonder what goes through the mind of a therapist then. I would think there would be an multitude of options! Wow - i don't know if that would be quite a scary thing (using the many ideas from others), or just plain confusing!

    No pics of my shaved head Tony. It's just very short hair that's all!

    Nighty night...

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  2. Well its all very intriging for a therapist at first Roses but after you have heard the 100th person talk about their sex life it starts to loose a bit of that intrigue. one is simply in therapist mode and thinking about how can I use what the client is telling me to their psychological advantage which is what one does at a day at the office.

    graffiti

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  3. Sex. Haha. (Yes, at times I am still an immature young adult.)

    I had a therapist once ask me to talk about my sex life. I was floored and couldn't help but be amused. Between my explaining that I think sex is gross and my almost laughing, that conversation didn't last long.

    I bet you have heard a lot of interesting things though!

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  4. You say that arousal and orgasm are narcissistic acts. What if someone is highly uninterested/disgusted at the idea of sex/arousal/orgasm?

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  5. Hello Annalynn,
    In the traditional psychologists procedure manual when one takes a history in the first session(s) that is meant to include a sexual history. I always found that a bit strange. Having a complete stranger asking you about your sex life. I usually wait until the time sets itself.

    If they start talking about a relationship and I might say, do you have a physical relationship. I have found most people usually have little difficulty talking about their sexual relationship. It depends on the detail.

    Tony

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  6. Everybodys FC likes sex Annalynn. It is pleasureable and can involve a good deal of emotional intimacy. things which all people like.

    However on top of that can be layered other script messages which make the sexual act fell non pleasureable or even disgusting. Some children are told directly that sex is disgusting dirty and sinful, others may see unpleasant sexual actions, some find closeness unpleasant or feel bad about their own bodies.

    So I would disagree with you and say that you do like sex its just that there are other messages layered on top of it.

    Graffiti

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  7. When it comes to sex, well, nothing surprises me as to what people indulge in. However, it always intrigues me as to the secret lives people lead (sometimes for years) and when it gets found out, their partners never seemed to know anything about it.

    My son first asked me about sex when he was very young. I made a point of answering questions without showing my internal squirm (some questions were very probing). My introduction to anything to to with sex when I was young was so hideous I could not bear the thought of allowing such an injustice to be repeated to my child.

    For something that is essentially a natural act, it really can get loaded with a lot of strange and awful baggage.

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  8. Oh, this is all insightful. I am always learning something new from this blog.

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  9. Hahaha... other several posts didn't harvested so many comments for few weeks altogether like this sex one for half of day :) Very indicative

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  10. Yes Mirko people do seem to notice this topic and I am glad some have been willing to put their comments here. Always nice to get comments and hear from my blogosphere friends

    Tony

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  11. Hello Annalynn,

    thanks for your comments

    tony

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  12. My two sons asked me questions about sex as well Linda. For some reason it was most often when we were just driving along in the car and no one was saying much. Then totally out of the blue would come a sex question from a 7 year old.

    I would quickly gather my thoughts and answer as best I could for the age they were in language they could understand. I tend to be of the view that children are far more psychologically robust individuals than we give them credit for especially now when we live in a nanny state where everyone is seen to be so fragile and precious.

    After I gave my little answer to their questions (and supplementary questions) they seemed to think about it a bit and life moved on. they seemed fine to me and still do, not that i gave them all the gory details but I told them how it was as best I could.

    Tony

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  13. I don't recall ever asking my parents about sex. And thus, they never talked to me about it. I learned from the internet and the sex education class I took in middle school.
    So, I hope I'm not asking too many questions. But, what about daughters? Do they generally ask about sex? In the same manner? Same age zone?

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  14. Me neither. My sons are young for this questions, but my daughter is near (6.5y). I don't know what would be worst for me - to avoid this or to be somewhere near when this happen.

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  15. I am sure it will be fine Mirko when the questions happen. Just take a deep breathe and relax and answer it. How babies are made is not all that complicated it is just a matter saying it right for the age they are.

    You sound like a good dad

    Tony

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  16. Annalynn you can ask as many questions as you like.

    I have two sons so I have never had to raise a girl but from what I have seen and heard I think girls ask just as many sex questions as boys. I have a client at the moment who is heavily pregnant and she has a 5 year old daughter. She reports lots of how do you get babies questions from her daughter.

    Sex education amongst peers can be a bit perilous. The things boys tell each other about sex in the school yard can be quite wrong. Then some boy will raid his dad's stack of playboys from home and they do the rounds of the school yard. Poronography can actually quite instructional for boys (and girls I assume) on the mechanics of the whole thing but they do also need to know that it is fantasy as well and there is also a thing called relationship and love that can go along woith sex. Hopefully they get that information as well.

    Tony

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  17. My parents, when i was around 13 - 14 I think, bought me a book that explained stuff like that. Funny though... i think i'm the only one they ever did that for. I have no clue how my other siblings battled through it all. Well, i guess, by the time I got the book, my older siblings were already it... gosh my nearest aged older sibling would have had her first baby by then and my brother was married. Maybe they had a book too?

    My younger sister probably read my book. Any way, not long after that i met my husband and not long after that...

    We weren't alowed to talk about sex and stuff like that Tony - when we were growing up that is. It was a 'naughty' thing.

    I have no idea how anyone survives the sex labyrinth! No idea at all!

    You didn't answer my first question though Tony... it's not that ambiguous.

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  18. what was your first question Roses?

    Sorry your parents didnt allow you to talk about sex. maybe that was that era to some extent.

    Tony

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  19. Thanks Tony. Your support means a lot to me :)

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  20. Well Tony,

    I would think that a therapist would have lots of things to think about in the midst of a fantasy because you're imagination will have been filled up by the clients many ideas. I would also think that some of those ideas or imaginations relating to the sex act toward the orgasm (which i assume is the aim of any fantasy after all) are something that a therapist might not help but use themselves in their private times/lives?

    Granted, not all fantasies fit all I suppose... but it would be a little difficult not to give them a go.

    Is that how it may work in the mind of a therapist?

    I guess I'm asking the question simply because, therapists are people, and people often (mostly even) are affected by people. I can imagine the effect, in this one instance of many, having such an effect on the client/therapist relationship and in a huge way...both paths of transference.

    I hope some of that made sense.

    If it didn't... i'll do the question in stages next time.

    Having short hair is cold in winter Tony! Brrr. I found a hat and am feeling much warmer now.

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  21. Hello Mirko,
    you are welcome and I am glad I can help

    Tony

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  22. Hello Roses,

    I think you make a good point. Clients are humans and so are therapists. So therapists continually hear how others (their clients) deal with relationships, their sex lives, their work life, social life and so on. So I suppose you could say therapists are continually getting hints on how to solve problems or behave all areas of life including the sex life.

    However I would say that in my mind when a client is talking a lot of processing is going on in diagnosing the client at that point and continually creating treatment stratgeies for what the client is presenting.

    As I said before, How can I use what the client is telling me know to their psychological advantage.

    Cheers

    Tony

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  23. So... being a therapist is a bit like being a lint remover. It removes lint. A therapist does therapy and that's it.

    It feels like a relationship but it really isn't - a therapist listens, not for any other reason but a view to therapy only?

    Ohh, that's sad.

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  24. Tony,

    I have question for you that concerns me a while. Reason for that is that I have read your colleague Steve Biddulph's books, RAISING BOYS and MANHOOD. The question from this perspective is: in case of male client, does male therapist has some advantage then female one?

    Thanks,
    Mirko

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  25. Well you raise a good point Roses.

    of course there is a relationship between therapist and cleint. If a therapist has 6 clients in a day then that is 6 such relationships in that day. It is very different for the therapist than the client who has 1 such relationship per week.

    I never want to be uneffected by my clients but at the same time you cannot be too over effected or you burn out quickly.

    Tony

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  26. A good question Mirko,

    My experience is to answer your question with, no.

    At times the sex of the therapist can be irrelevant and at other times it can be very important. This varies from client to client and can vary from time to time in the same client.

    There are indeed times when it is very important for a male client to have a male therapist but by no means is this always. It depends on what are the current needs of the client and some clients can get female needs met from a male therapist. And vice versa.

    There are times when I am sure I am perceived as a female object in the mind of the client even though I am anatomically male.

    Tony

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