Games children play - Happy to help

This game is about survival

The good child. This child does what it is told, follows the rules, can be overly

helpful, can be quite shy, is reluctant to express what it wants or needs, will put

others before itself. If they are not so much the shy one they can become high

achievers if they have natural talent in some area. They learn that to be good you do

well at school, or in sport or in civic work and so they achieve in that way, by doing

’stuff’, rather than hiding away.

Why would such a youngster exhibit excessive Conforming Child ego state and

give up their Rebellious Child and Free Child ego states?

There can be a number of reasons for this

* There can be an excessive pressure for the child to conform by the parents

who may be quite conforming themselves. “What will the neighbors think” is often

the motto of such a family. The parents are reluctant to be non-conforming

themselves and perhaps are merely parenting the way they were parented.

The pressure can also be applied because the parents use the child as a status

symbol. Often this is the eldest child in the family or the one the parents believe

have some natural talents. I recall one instance of an individual who was

relentlessly pressured by mother to go to university and become a doctor. When

ever there was a family get together it was repeatedly announced particularly by

mother that he was a doctor. She was using her sons achievement to compete or gain

credence in the wider family. You see clients like this in counselling room in their

30s or 40s and they say things like, “I never wanted to be an economist, I just

wanted to be an opera singer”.

* This can be the oldest child in the family which the parents use as a live

in baby-sitter for the younger siblings which frees up the parents. If the eldest

child accepts this role this fosters the child to put its needs behind

those of its younger siblings. Alternatively it can be a child who has a sibling who is

disabled, or sick, or has extra needs of some sort. The parents simply do not have

the time and energy to deal with the non-sick youngster so they force it to be good

so it requires less attention. In large families as well you can get the ‘forgotten

child’. In today’s culture any family that has over three children is quite possibly

emotionally damaging to the children for the reason just cited.

People who are this type of good child often will tend towards the helping

professions in adulthood. They can quite easily become transactional analysts

because in such a role you focus on the needs and wants of others and do not discuss

your own such wants. Your needs are secondary at least while you are working.

* Sometimes it is the only position left in the family. As a new child enters the

family and grows into it he has to find where he fits. The parents have the Parent

and Adult ego states covered and a sibling may have the outspoken, demanding

position taken so the ‘happy to help’ good child position is the only one left. If the

child’s natural temperament is of that kind than it can very easily fall into the good

child position in the family.

* The good child can be anxiety driven. If a child develops significant anxiety for

some reason (abuse, abandonment, threats, etc), it can make the early decision, “To

make myself safe I need to sit quietly and watch what is happening” or, “I must not

rock the boat or bad things happen”. This is an unfortunate child as it can suffer quite bad anxiety or depression but it never gets identified or diagnosed. As it does not cause problems at school or at home the adults around it will focus on other problem children and it is left unattended.

The ‘Happy to help’ game in essence involves a contraction of the Free

Child(FC) ego state. As mentioned before such game players often present for

counselling in their 30s or 40s and ask the question, “Who am I?” in some form.

Without good access to the Free Child one cannot answer that question. If you are

high Conforming Child (CC) the answer to that question is - “I am who you want me

to be”. If the person if high Rebellious Child (RC) they answer - “I am the

opposite of who you want me to be”. Both the RC and CC are adaptations to the

parents. If they are left to do what they want then they are lost, they do not have

a sense of who they are and thus will not have a direction in life and will never find

their true passion in life. The person with good access to their FC will be able to

answer the question, “Who am I?”. They can answer that with the practicalities of

life, but they will also have a sense of who they are. They will feel it inside. The RC

and CC do not feel it. The good child will struggle with this problem.

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