The role of relational confluence in working through emotions

(This is an edited version of the previous posting)

When one has a feeling the process usually articulated is the mechanism of tension followed by expression and then relaxation. This originally came from the work of Wilhelm Reich who plays a major role in this aspect of human functioning. He presented the powerful yet simple model of a feeling involving firstly tension followed by expression and then relaxation.

This upon reflection this is too one dimensional.  On occasion feelings occur in the context of a relationship or at least whilst in relational contact.  One may have a feeling reaction to another person directly or one may express a feeling about something else but in the company of another.

One could argue the response the other party plays is crucial to how successful the emotion is dealt with. Hence we arrive at the vulnerability anxiety equation.

Consider the situation where person A discusses an emotion not related to person B. For example person A is angry at her boss and is telling her husband (person B). The responses by the husband are going to influence how person A deals with or resolves the angry feelings. For example sometimes husbands can get into ‘fixing’ mode and  respond to the wife in ways where he is trying to help her to fix the problem with the boss. Often this is not what is wanted and she really just wants him to listen to her as she vents her thoughts and feelings about the matter. He does not understand this and as a result it leaves her with a sense of incompletion with her anger because there is a communication problem with her husband.

As one can see this adds an extra dimension to the original Reichian proposal of how one needs to ‘work through’ emotions. That is, resolving feelings (at least some of the time) is a two person psychological process. In this sense it is deemed erroneous to view the resolution of feelings as a function of one person alone. Instead the feeling, in some instances, must be brought into the relational with another person. 

If the other person responds in an effective way then the sense of resolution will be more complete in the emotion laden individual. If the husband had responded by just listening to the wife, then her sense of completion would be more satisfactory and psychologically healthy.

She takes a risk. If she does not raise the angry situation with him then he cannot respond poorly such that she is worse off after her exchange. At the same time if she does not raise it with him then she cannot get that greater sense of completion if he responds in an appropriate way.

It seems reasonable to suggest that dealing with and resolving emotions needs to be seen as more than just one person having some kind of cathartic release. Instead emotions play a central part of relationships and hence one needs to view them in the wider context of relationships which can assist or hinder the process of working through the emotion.

The above example can be shown diagrammatically. In transaction 1 the wife expresses to her husband the angst she felt at work regarding her boss. Two possible responses of his are indicated. First he could cross the transaction and respond from Adult as shown in transaction 2 - “This could be a solution to the problem.” If she is simply wanting to be heard and listened to by her husband then this response will result in a sense of non completion about her feelings.

If he responds from NP in transaction 3 and listens sympathetically then she will experience much more of a sense of completion about the feelings. Thus we are in a position to alter the original Reichian conception of the process of feeling. This diagram comes from Reich (1971).

Moving beyond the purely hydraulic theory of tension build up followed by tension release and adding in a relational component one gets a modified process. 

After tension build up (the person feeling the feeling) the expression allows for a release of tension which provides a partial solution. However as is the often the case with feelings, particularly troublesome feelings, the individual also has a desire to talk about it and relate aspects of the event to a close other. If this happens and the other responds in an effective manner then a sense of relational confluence can be seen to be achieved and the feeling is then fully worked through. Without the achievement of relational confluence the feeling could be seen to be unresolved in the psychological sense of the term.

Reference

Reich, W.

1971. The Function of the Orgasm: The Discovery of the Orgone. Meridian: New York

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The resolution of emotion using a two person psychology

(This is an edited version of the previous posting)

When one has a feeling the process usually articulated is the mechanism of tension followed by expression and then relaxation. This originally came from the work of Wilhelm Reich who plays a major role in this aspect of human functioning. He presented the powerful yet simple model of a feeling involving firstly tension followed by expression and then relaxation.

This upon reflection this is too one dimensional.  On occasion feelings occur in the context of a relationship or at least whilst in relational contact.  One may have a feeling reaction to another person directly or one may express a feeling about something else but in the company of another.

One could argue the response the other party plays is crucial to how successful the emotion is dealt with. Hence we arrive at the vulnerability anxiety equation.

Consider the situation where person A discusses an emotion not related to person B. For example person A is angry at her boss and is telling her husband (person B). The responses by the husband are going to influence how person A deals with or resolves the angry feelings. For example sometimes husbands can get into ‘fixing’ mode and  respond to the wife in ways where he is trying to help her to fix the problem with the boss. Often this is not what is wanted and she really just wants him to listen to her as she vents her thoughts and feelings about the matter. He does not understand this and as a result it leaves her with a sense of incompletion with her anger because there is a communication problem with her husband.

As one can see this adds an extra dimension to the original Reichian proposal of how one needs to ‘work through’ emotions. That is, resolving feelings (at least some of the time) is a two person psychological process. In this sense it is deemed erroneous to view the resolution of feelings as a function of one person alone. Instead the feeling, in some instances, must be brought into the relational with another person. 

If the other person responds in an effective way then the sense of resolution will be more complete in the emotion laden individual. If the husband had responded by just listening to the wife, then her sense of completion would be more satisfactory and psychologically healthy.

She takes a risk. If she does not raise the angry situation with him then he cannot respond poorly such that she is worse off after her exchange. At the same time if she does not raise it with him then she cannot get that greater sense of completion if he responds in an appropriate way.

It seems reasonable to suggest that dealing with and resolving emotions needs to be seen as more than just one person having some kind of cathartic release. Instead emotions play a central part of relationships and hence one needs to view them in the wider context of relationships which can assist or hinder the process of working through the emotion.

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The resolution of emotion

When one has a feeling the process usually articluated is the mechanism of tension followed by expression and then relaxation. This originally came from the work of Wilhelm Reich who plays a major role in this aspect of human functioning. He presented the powerful yet simple model of a feeling involving firstly tension followed by expression and then relaxation.

This upon reflection this is too one dimensional.  On occasion feelings occur in the context of a relationship or at least whilst in relational contact.  One may have a feeling reaction to another person directly or one may express a feeling about something else but in the company of another.

One could argue the response the other party plays is crucial to how successful the emotion is dealt with. Hence we arrive at the vulnerability anxiety equation.

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The young psychotherapist

At the TA meeting last night I did my life script time line and a discussion of the young psychotherapist came up. I began counselling when I was 22 years old and this resulted in some discussion on the psychodynamics and transactional dynamics of the young psychotherapist.

To be a young psychotherapist is a hard thing to do. Compared to the general adult population you are inexperienced in life, inexperienced as a psychotherapist and both you and the client know it. This immediately puts the young psychotherapist in a difficult position which the older beginning psychotherapist is not. If a person begins training as a psychotherapist at the age of 35 or 40 they do not have such a hard time in this way

Not only is the young psychotherapist automatically ‘discriminated’ against in this way by the client but they have less experience and psychological resources to deal with such a negative perception compared to the mature adult. (This is not a negative statement about clients as it is a natural, factually based perception for clients to have of a young therapist.) So they really are in a tough situation.

Will I have the skills to make it in this occupation? No young person ever knows this until they give it a go. But the young psychotherapist has an extra hard time compared to other occupations.

When a client seeks counselling and the therapist is 40 years old the client will automatically assume the therapist has a reasonable level of life experience and hence is automatically imbued with potency to varying degrees. If the client has been told by a  friend or relative about the therapist then in the mind of the client the therapist has some kind of good reputation which also automatically imbues them with a psychological potency in the client’s mind. The young therapist has neither a large level of life experience nor a reputation. So they do not automatically get given a psychological potency by the client.

This is shown in the transaction below. This is missing with the young psychotherapist. This is a very crucial transaction in the client therapist relationship. Clients seek out counselors about very intimate and important issues that can effect their lives in significant way. A trust and belief in the therapists skills is very important for the client to have. The young psychotherapist has to battle against this which the older new psychotherapist does not (so much).

However the story gets worse. The young psychotherapist is aware (at least to some degree) of this lack of belief and trust by the client which for some would undermine their confidence. Thus the young psychotherapist who already lacks a bit of confidence because of their age then has to battle against this further level of lack of confidence which the older beginning therapist does not. And being younger they have less natural psychological resources to deal with such lack of confidence.

However some young therapist do survive and go onto make careers in the profession. As a young therapist I would think at times, “This person is asking me for counselling about their marriage and I am only 22 years old”. This did strike me as a bit strange and a bit fearsome. However at the same time I did have a confidence in my self that I knew what I was doing and that I was being effective. It wasn’t until years later that I realized that my confidence then as a young therapist was a bit unrealistic. 

Not an easy thing to do.

Also one does tend to get automatic feedback. If you see a client and they say they want to return next week (and then actually does so) that is an indicator that what you are doing with this person did work. Of course then there are clients who don’t return or report that things are not getting better which the young therapist has to have the confidence to ride over that bit of a rough patch. But if you are out there in the cut throat world of private practice where clients pay to see you and they keep coming, that is ‘proof’ that you are doing something right.  I think that is how I got through the ‘baptism of fire’ which all young therapists have to do or else they drift off into some other occupation.

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Subculture osmosis

I have always found it interesting to watch how the establishment consumes or devours the antiestablishment. Initially mainstream establishment usually is frightened by it and fights against it but eventually it destroys the new antiestablishment movement by the process of osmosis.

I recall how the original punk rockers wore jeans that were old, had all holes in them and had not been washed for a couple of months. A few years later such jeans with manufactured holes, made to look old and unwashed were selling for $200 a pair.

This person, who is called Esmerelda (What self respecting Gothic would ever be called Esmerelda) made it to the Goth Girls site. Clearly the Gothic subculture has been swallowed up by the establishment. The soul of Gothic is completely lost in this photograph. But it shows how establishment can adopt aspects of the Gothic culture and turn it into the acceptable. 

I read recently how a local council were I live is now not removing graffiti that looks good. Maybe this is how the establishment will finally devour the graffiti subculture and make it establishment.

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The psychology of food and weight loss

Weight loss & the Parent contract

Tony White
7 July, 2007

Weight loss is always a Parent ego state contract.

When someone seeks counselling to loose weight one can be fairly safe in saying

that it will be a Parent contract at least in part. A Parent contract is a

contract for change made from the Parent ego state. Contracts from the Parent

ego state rarely work, or they can work for a little while and then don't.

For example a contract (or goal) to loose weight, or to stop drinking, or to

exercise more, or to stop taking drugs, or to work harder are all Parent

contracts to some extent. The reason why they don't last is because they involve

deprivation of the Child ego state, namely the Free Child. When people (the Free

Child) discover something feels good then there is quire a strong drive to have

more of it. This seems to be the normal human condition. If someone discovers

that they very much like the taste of fish and chips then there will be quite a

strong urge to have such food more often.

In reaction to this FC urge the person's Parent ego state may then say "no you

cannot eat fish and chips because they make you fat and are unhealthy". When

this happens then one has intrapsychic conflict. This means there is a conflict

between two parts of the psyche. In this case the Free Child and the Parent ego

state are in conflict. They are at an impasse.

Two forces in the personality collide and you have an impasse


The originator of Gestalt therapy (Fritz Perls) used to talk about it and called it
a battle between top dog and bottom dog. In Transactional Analysis the conflict
is between the Parent and the Child ego states. In the final analysis it is the
bottom dog that wins, or it is the Child that wins out in some way.


It look like Free Child



This raises the question; What happens if FC does not get its needs met? A
number of factors come into play at this point. The first is the degree of the
deprivation. If one is deprived of food the need is very high. If one is deprived
of their favourite TV show for a week then the need may not be so high. Also it
depends on the amount of frustration tolerance the person has.

If a teenager is told they can't go out one Saturday night, some will take it on
the chin whereas others who tolerate frustration much less well may provide
quite a dramatic response.

Some one used to say, "People are where they want to be". Another way of saying
this is, "where there is a will there is a way". Sooner or later the Child ego state
will get its way. So sooner or later the deprived person will get their fish and
chips. When the Parent ego state says no because you will get fat, sooner or
later the Child will get the food in some form. Hence there is no weight lost and
usually there is some put on!




However some people do loose weight. I once saw a journal article titled, "The
anti-diet approach to weight loss". This approach works for those people who
harass themselves. They get strokes by putting themselves down. Those who have
a large internal Critical Parent ego state. If they give them self permission to
eat what they want (anti-diet) then they are more likely to loose weight.

In this instance the person eats and then criticises self for eating and putting
on weight. In this type of weight gain it is the after effect (or hangover) that is
important. So if the person allows self to eat anything they want and not
criticise self then the psychological purpose for the poor eating ceases. Then the
person will tend to eat in a more healthy fashion.




The game of “Internal critic” results in lots of negative strokes or
reinforcement of the eating behaviour

What have I done here?. I have refused to address the weight loss directly (ie
not taken the Parent contract) and snuck around the side and gone through that
door. How?

1. I have discovered the psychological function that the eating/weight gain
serves. It is a source of strokes and results in the game of "internal critic".
2. I have gotten rid of that function (ie the negative stroking and the game)
3. Thus the negative strokes and the game serve no psychological function any
more and thus using eating to get such strokes ceases.

Of course there are other reasons why people over eat and carry excessive
weight but this is just one example of how one can avoid the Parent contract
that a weight loss contract always is.


The psychology of food


With all the comment around about obesity in society, I thought I would make
some comments on the psychology of food and eating that I have seen over the
years.

Food and strokes.
As we know we all need psychological strokes(Attention) to survive and remain
sane. Without them we quickly deteriorate as happens to someone when they are
put into solitary confinement. Food is a very rich and good supply of positive
strokes. Food feels good and not only does one get the strokes from food but the
strokes are physical and inside our very bodies. Food can make us feel good inside.
Very few other things can do that besides alcohol and drugs.

So if someone is stroke deprived then they can become an over eater as it
becomes one of their main sources of strokes. The good part about this is that it
is relatively easy to alter. If the person starts to develop other stroke sources
then the food intake can decrease as it looses some of its psychological
importance.

As food is a strong positive stroke, if someone is in an environment where they
are getting many negative strokes it is appealing to eat as it is one way in which
they can get positive strokes. Sometimes this is called 'comfort eating'. The
strokes from the eating makes one feel 'comforted' and pampered. If one lives
around people who are quite critical environment one can understand why some
eat for comfort.



(A harsh environment can lead to comfort eating to make it feel a bit better, and
it does).




Sometimes the 'harsh' environment can even be inside the persons own head. If
someone has been traumatised by some event in their life then they can feel
considerable pain, angst, anxiety and so on, over and over in their own head.
"Comfort" eating can help ease some of that internal pain. The problem is the
person eats to satiate hunger AND eats to get comfort and that usually results
in over eating.

As we know kids copy parents and if parents are critical of them in childhood
then they internalise that critical parent in their own head. Thus in later life
they can have a big internal critic that jumps on them given the slightest
opportunity. Again comfort eating can be used as a counter to this large internal
critic that one has in side their own head.



(Humans sometimes cannot even recognize when they have enough food)





If the issue of power is poorly handled by parents then a power struggle can
develop between child and parent. This power struggle can be lived out in a
variety of formats such as through temper tantrums or being disobedient. It can
also be lived out through eating. All parents want children to eat and to eat
healthy food. Children learn this and can fight with parents by not eating or not
eating properly. This is a very common feature in anorexia where the child can be
claiming its own sense of personal power by not eating. The same can happen the
other way where the person can defy the parents by over eating.

This can also manifest in another way where the person has a sense of loosing
their own power with themselves. Those with eating disorders often report that
their eating is out of control, many obese people feel like this at least from time
to time. “I have a sense of disempowerment and thus my eating is out of control”.




Food and sex
How one looks physically is determined to a large extent by how much one eats.
Sex involves two people being physically very close and thus both parties see the
other persons body to some degree. In this way over eating and thus obesity can
be used as a protection against sex.

"If I am fat, therefore I am ugly and thus no one will want to have sex with me".

"I just feel so bad about how I look I can't have my husband see or touch me and
thus we can't have sex"

These are two views that some women and men to a lesser degree can maintain.
The psychological drive behind it is a fear of sex, or some other emotional
problem with sex.

Food and feelings
This one is a huge area which can result in over eating. Food and feelings get
mixed up in some way. Sometimes food and love get mixed up. Mother’s sometimes
find that they can express love to their children by feeding them. This is
particularly so if the mother has difficulty with the more open and direct
expression of love and closeness to a child. So she feeds him up instead and that
is how she shows her love to the child

But it does not end there. It does not take long for the child to realise this and
then the mother can use guilt. “If you don’t eat all your food then you are
rejecting me and then I feel bad”, can be the mother’s attitude. Thus the child
will feel guilty if it does not eat the food mother prepares. This will usually
result in over eating to some degree.


Food can be used as a way of dealing with a child’s emotions and emotional
distress. If a child gets angry the mother may think, “That must mean he is
hungry” and she gives him a sandwich. The child starts to mix up anger and hunger
and that can easily lead to obesity. In adulthood every time the person gets
angry they eat. If a child gets distressed about finding his goldfish dead mother
maybe at a loss of how to deal with the distress so she gives him a freshly baked
muffin. Distress and hunger get mixed up and that person later in life solves
their own distress by eating.


As is so often the case, physical activities that are crucial to our physical
survival, such as eating, easily become encased in a web of psychology for the
person. They cease to remain a simple biological function and get embroiled in
powerful psychological motives.



Self esteem


In each of us we all have our ideal or perfect self and our real or actual self.
IDEAL or PERFECT self

Our ideal self is they way we would like to be. How much we should weigh, how our
hair should be, how popular we are meant to be, how funny we are supposed to be,
how we want our nose to be and so on for many, many things.
REAL or ACTUAL self

This is the way we actually see ourselves. How popular we actually think we are,
how our hair actually is, how much we actually weigh, how funny we actually think
we are and so on.

In everybody the IDEAL self is always above the REAL self. Everyone wants to
be different in some ways. Everyone wants to have a bit more of this or a bit
less of that in our bodies and our personalities. It is a matter of degree. For
some people the difference between the IDEAL self and the REAL self is small.
When this is so these people will have a good self esteem. They like themselves.




For other people the difference between the IDEAL self and the REAL self is
very big. How they actually are is very much below what they see as being ideal
or perfect. These people will have a poor self esteem. They do not think much of
themselves. They do not like themselves.


The ideal me




To get the IDEAL self and the REAL self closer it is much easier and better to
make the IDEAL self lower rather than the REAL self higher.

Instead of thinking the IDEAL self is 45 kg it can be 55 kg
Instead of thinking that you have to have a nose like Nicole Kidman you think
that other types of noses are OK as well
Instead of thinking that you have to be like the most popular girl in the class you
think that you can be more how you are.

If you do things like this then you will feel better about yourself and you will
have a better self esteem.

My golden rule of therapy

I grew up in a family where psychotherapy was the norm. Both my parents where psychologists and psychotherapists. My father was actually a bit of a trail blazer as well and was very much a psychotherapy type of psychologist. Originally psychoanalytic and Rogerian in his approach. In the state where we lived he was one of the first to go out into the world to learn the new psychotherapies being practiced and bring them back to where he worked. Very few, if any other psychologists would do such a thing. 

He was the first psychologist to go into private practice in the city where we lived. And besides what was then called the “Marriage guidance council” (which later became know as Relationships Australia) he started the first private psychotherapy training institute in the state. The Marriage guidance Council was a government funded body which people could go to to get marriage counselling and he was heavily involved in the training of counsellors for that organization.

Here is a photograph of my father at a workshop in Australia with Carl Rogers in 1965. He is in the back row third from right. As you can see he got the other participants to sign it including Carl. Also notice the ratio of men to women. Nowadays it would be the other way around.

The point at hand is I grew up with this and psychotherapy was nothing odd for me like it was for many people. I recall when I was about 17 (still at school) I got into some trouble and my parents suggested I might try a therapy group. So I went along and it was run by two female cotherapists and there were about 6 clients, all young people so it was probably a therapy group for that age group. I recall finding it quite helpful. I never rebelled against therapy or going to a therapists like some teenagers or children can do. 

I then started training as a psychotherapist at about age 22. As many therapists did then (and do now) I did some personal therapy in groups and individual therapy. There was probably a period of about 5 to 10 years when I did a fair bit and I am glad I did. I think I am much less of an uptight and tense person as a result of it. Less of an obsessive thinker and this also has helped me in life.

An uptight obsessive thinker?

There was this period where I did concentrate on my own personal work and then after that I felt less of a need to and that is when I made a golden rule for myself. I never asked anyone about this or even talked to anyone about it but I decided that I would always have a therapist of some kind. There were two reasons for this.

First it is always good to have an outside person who you can reflect with and get their feedback about your thinking and feeling about things at the time. It kind of helps to keep you grounded and realistic. Second, as I was a psychotherapist I discovered it was very easy to forget what it was like for the client. If one is always in the therapists chair one can forget what it is like for the client. I found it was most helpful to be reminded from time to time what it is like sitting in the client’s chair. I found it certainly did help me as a therapist to do this, at least intermittently.

In more recent times this has been done on more of an informal basis as compared to when I was in my 20s. I have a colleague whom I meet with from time to time and every now and then we do a bit of therapy on each other and this satisfies my need for the two reasons I listed above. Interestingly if I look back at my history of personal therapy I notice a pattern. Three therapists stand out in particular, who I think have had the most impact on me and they are all strong willed women. Just an interesting observation.

But in retrospect I am glad that I spontaneously made my golden rule of therapy for myself. I think it has served me well over the years. Maybe because I grew up in a family where psychotherapy was the norm rather than the abnormal, that helped in making this spontaneous decision.

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Fear and my counter transference reaction

It does not happen often these days, that I get that so moved working with a client. Especially with someone whom I have never seen before and will probably never see again. I tend to get more effected by clients who I know quite well but in this case, as I say, I will probably only ever see him the one time that I already have. But with this man who I recently counselled I was certainly emotionally moved by him and his plight

After counselling for 30+ years I have heard a lot of things. I hope I have not become too hardened by some of the things I hear in my work but I did notice this the other day and I noted the exceptional nature of my counter transference reaction.

A man in his mid 50s came to see me with his wife of about the same age. He initially presented what we call in the psychotherapy business a ‘calling card problem’. Typically these problems are the more socially acceptable issues like wanting to loose weight, wanting to give up smoking or maybe something like insomnia. People tend to see these as ‘normal’ people problems. As the client gets to know the therapist more the hidden issue tends to comes out which can happen in the first session or sometimes it can take quite a number of sessions to come out. The calling card problem gives the client time to assess the therapist and then can decide if they want to mention the underlying reason for seeking counsel.

His initial request was did I think he was depressed and if so what could be done about it. So I asked him questions which he answered and his wife was commenting also about their life, him and their work. As I acquired more information it became obvious there was another matter which troubled them both. The man was showing some clear symptoms of early onset dementia.

I decided to bring it right out into the open and stated there could be some signs of dementia. When I mentioned this they were not taken by surprise or shocked. They had obviously talked about this before and may have suspected something like this. By this time the question of possible depression had been forgotten and the ‘real’ issue was being openly discussed.

They had come to see a trained person, me, to confirm if I thought what they thought was dementia. I stated to him that he was showing some common symptoms of that condition and referred him onto someone else who specializes in that area. As I said this I saw the fear in his face as he knew what was coming with the probable demise of his memory and intellect and this is what moved me so. One could see the true fear in his face.

Indeed my referral probably was a reflection of a counter transference reaction on my behalf. My Adult reason for referring was because this is a serious matter and I did not want to get it wrong and therefore he should see one who has special expertise with dementia It is highly likely he will get a diagnosis of some kind of dementia and probably my Child ego state was so moved by his fear that I did not want to be the one who gave the final answer. Hence the real reason for the referral.

So it seems he presented me with a calling card problem because of his fear and I left him with a calling card referral because of my fear.

My fear met his fear

But it is one of those ones that you don’t forget about. Some clients you just don’t seem to forget over time and it is quite possible this will be one of those for me, even though I only ever saw him one single time.

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