Thursday, March 18, 2010

Men and sex workers

I was working with a woman the other day and she stated that her partner of about a year told her that he had been to some prostitutes when he separated from a partner before. This had caused her some concern, as a female she could not understand it and thus we had a discussion about what it means for men to seek out a sex worker (prostitute). They tend to prefer being called sex workers.

Women mix up sex and relationships. The two are intimately intertwined for them. For men it can be the same but they are also capable of having sex without any relationship, hence we have prostitution.

I have subsequently thought more about her concern and what it means to the male psyche. This comes from the men I have spoken to over the years and the female sex workers I have spoken to about their thoughts on their clients where they make some very interesting observations. They do have quite a unique view into the male mind.

It seems there is a number of reasons why men may employ the services of a sex worker

1. Curiosity. This would tend to be the young adult males and they either find that it is something they like or could do again or others learn that it is not something that interests them or are repulsed by it.

2. For release. Some men with strong libidos and no current partner may seek out a sex worker for simple sexual release. When they have a partner they will tend to not seek out a sex worker.

Associated with this some men have unusual sexual interests such that it is hard to find a partner who is willing to participate and thus a sex worker is employed.

3. For TLC. Some men who want sexual release also find they can get a bit of tenderness and physical closeness from a sex worker who they get on with. These men don’t want a relationship with the woman just a bit of kind, close physical contact that goes along with the sex. At that particular point in their life they are for some reason particularly needing such nurturing contact and they find they can get it in this way.

4. For a relationship. These are the men who become long term clients of a particular sex worker. Besides paying the fee they will often bring extra gifts and they develop love feelings and an attachment with the woman. These are the clients that the sex worker particularly wants to cultivate as they provide regular income and they know them thus reducing the danger component.

To achieve this the sex worker has to convince the man that he is the special client that is different from all her others. He also manages to convince himself of the same and thus the relationship in his mind develops.

4. Some men report that they get addicted to sex workers. Whilst this may some times be a sex addiction it may not always be. The sex in other ways can fulfil some psychological function for the man. Just like some self harmers report they are addicted to self harming. Some of the reasons for self harming can be found here.

These people are not so much addicted to the self harming but addicted to the psychological benefit they obtain from the self harming. It seems to me that for some men the same situation applies. They are not addicted to the sex but the psychological benefit they get from it.

Some self harmers suffer dissociation and depersonalisation. They discover that if they cut self then that temporarily allows them to stop the dissociation and they get a sense of reconnection with the world again. For some men the same may apply but they use sex instead of self harm.

Instead of dissociation some find that the sex (like self harmers) allows them to get a sense of feeling something and thus their pervasive sense of numbness is temporarily relieved. Or they may use it to get a sense of tension release or as a means to self nurture just as self harmers can also do. So the man is kind of addicted to these rather than to the actual sex.



  1. Well, i'm not a man but i do sex with one. So some of this post i might understand but lots of it... i don't think i can.

    Interesting view though...

  2. So what of the reasons apply to women??? (Just curious - I have never visited a prostitute!)

    On a slightly different topic..
    Someone whose blog I follow is really really upset and angry as their husband has been looking at internet porn. The have gone apeshit. I struggle to understand why for as long as the porn is legal stuff and dont involve non consented people nor kids, I dont see the harm. Dont men just like porn? I guess I view it as normal. I did ask Mrs K and she pointed out the evils of all that goes with the sex industry, so I see some point now, but I am rather chilled on the subject.

    Is porn something most men look at?

  3. Hello Kahless,

    Reasons apply to women? I assume you mean reasons why women would seek out a male prostitute. I can’t write anything on that as there are very few. There seems there is no demand or some entreprenurial person would be selling it already.

    Regarding your friend who is angry at her husband for looking at porn. I have written on that before at

    From what I have seen women’s views on this vary considerably. Some have a very big problem with their husband doing such a thing and there are other women who will give their husband a years subscription to hustler magazine as a birthday present.

    But one thing that is probably more universal is most women do not understand the meaning that pornography has for the male psyche. Most women will subscribe more intelligence to the males understanding of it than exists in reality.


  4. "Most women will subscribe more intelligence to the males understanding of it than exists in reality."

    Was that a deliberate 'halariously funny statement'? So funny!!

  5. No, I think I was funny by accident in that case Roses.

    Most people assume that others in the world think and feel how they do. it is just the way many people are in making that assumption.

    As I said for women sex and relationship are interwoven and closely connected at least most of the time. This can be the case for men, but men are also capable of having sex without relationship being involved. So if a woman sees a man looking at a playboy she can assume that because it is about sex then somehow in his mind relationship is involved. Because she views the two as being linked.

    That may not be so and the man is looking at the magazine just because it feels good. That is all I am afraid and thus one could view it as not all that intelligent.

    Relationship? The man has never seen the woman before and will never see her again and even if he could contact her very few would want to. Its the last thing most men would want to do.

    For men its akin to eating an ice cream. You don’t need to eat the ice cream. Eating the ice cream has no significant meaning. it just feels good to eat it so they do. As primitive and basic as that I am afraid

  6. 'Eating the ice cream has no significant meaning. it just feels good to eat it so they do. As primitive and basic as that I am afraid'

    Yes - exactly! Imagine that some people think that male functions (whether women or men) have anything to do with intelligence. That's almost like saying that some women deliberately (using intelligence) grow facial hair. Though this may be the case at times, it's usually the opposite. Women with facial hair often deliberately do anything they can to be rid of it. Not all but many women i've met anyway.

    My husband loves me the best he can. I choose to think and believe that. I believe he would kill or be killed for me. He wears his body, mind and emotions out providing for me (us) and all that stuff. I don't 'feel' loved but i 'know' i am. I feel protected, provided for, i feel safe but I usually feel alone. I 'feel' alone even though i 'know' that i must be alone for him to love me the way he needs to.

    Also - isn't it strange how women tend to naturally ascribe intelligence to men, well I tend to, and yet do men ever ascribe intelligence to women? I guess they must sometimes but i doubt that its a natrual instinct to do so.

    I think that's why it hit me as so funny! I tend to naturally see a man as intelligent but i doubt greatly if a man would ever (naturally that is) see me as having any brain function at all!

    Just a funny statement that's all.

    I hope you're having an intellectually stimulating day... *giggles*

    So sorry this tends to be a steriotyping type comment. I hate when i do that! AND it gives you an inside peep into what i think. So annoying!

  7. On our news today they mentioned that Perth had a hailstorm with hail the size of tennis balls - wow - what was it like?

  8. It was one heck of a storm Kahless like I have never seen here before. A very large tree blew down on the back of my office but fortunately there was only minor damage


  9. Glad to hear that there was minimal damage! That is a big tree next door.


  10. Yes kenoath it is the preverbial 'whopper!"