At this point, my dad is a big marijuana smoker. He keeps some frozen in the freezer oustide, he grows some outside, and has marijuana dealers over nearly everyday. He also drinks.
My mother doesn't mind that he smokes or drinks, as long as he keeps it out in the garage. She doesn't want me exposed to his lifestyle. But of course, I am. She can't protect me when she is at work. I even liked the drug dealers cause every time they would come over they would bring me candy. During the holidays they would even give me money.
This day my mother came home from work. Occasionally she gets home later than usual; meaning that she didn't drive straight home from work. I think the reason she gets home late is that she does not want to see me.
She gets home. I don't remember the conversation between my father and my mother. I don't think I understand completely what they are saying. Mom is saying that she doesn't want those drug dealers coming over anymore after one of them was shot. My dad has been drinking. They argue. And then my dad starts yelling. And my mom is screaming. And my dad is hitting my mother. I want them to stop fighting. They don't. Please stop fighting. I'm crying and screaming now too. I grab on to my dad's leg and try to stop him from hitting my mom. I start hitting him too. He pushes me away. But I come back. He's yelling at me and pulling my hair. And then he stops hitting my mother. I did it. I stopped their fighting. But wait, why can't I breathe anymore. He picks me up and throws me to the wall. He goes outside to the garage.
At some point my mother has ran up the stairs to her bedroom. I want to see my mother. I want to see that she is okay. I go up stairs and turn the door knob. Locked. I knock and tell her it's just me. It's okay. He's outside. She won't let me in. She doesn't want to see me.
I go to my room and lock myself in.
Thank you for your story to go with the drawing.
the next thing I am interested in is the life script decisions that that young girl made in that situation. There maybe a number of them or they may just be one.
what did she conclude about herself and life and others? What sense did she make out of all this? What cognitive conclusions did she come to?
As I said there may only be one decision or there may be a number of them at different times in the event, like when mo and fa are arguing and when she locked herself in her room.
Uh, now those are some harder questions that I am not sure I completely understand.
If I hadn't been born my parents would not be currently fighting. I am a burden.
My own mother who I care about more than anything doesn't even want to see me. I am unloveable.
I have to handle my physical and emotional pain on my own. I can't depend on others.
There must be something wrong with me.
Good response Annalynn,
The fact that you find them harder questions is a good thing because they are, and it means that you are understanding what I am talking about and wanting from you.
If you were in counselling what I would get you to do is have a look again at the picture the you drew. In particular I would ask you to look at the drawings of the little girl there and I would ask things like:
How old is she?
What do you see when you look at that little girl?
Do you like her?
What is she feeling and what is she wanting?
Imagine what she is feeling and begin to again feel some of the emotions that she was feeling at that age?
Allow yourself to again reexperience that situation and the feelings that went along with it?
Look at that little girl and as you experience her what sense did she make of it all. What conclusions did she come to and what decisions did she make?
Did she make any decisions about not being there, being dead, dying or being killed?
My goal is to invite the drawer back into the Child ego state and reexperience the early scene and people are willing to do that in varying degrees. Some will regress right back and some will not go there at all because either they are highly defended about the event or it is simply to painful to go back there.
What ever the response the goal is to get to the cognitive conclusions that the child came to in that early scene and for the purposes of this exercise especially any decisions about not existing, being dead or dying.
Yeah, I am the worst when it comes to counseling. Writing about my life is one thing. But talking about it is a completely different thing. And then I am told if I don't talk about it, they can't help me. And I take that as they don't want to help me. And then I leave and don't come back.
That doesn't work so well.