Psychology of the beautiful woman - Part 3

In recent times I have come under some criticism about my posts on the beautiful woman. It has been alleged that I have been too critical and demonizing them. After reading again what I have written I think there is truth to these comments that I have been too harsh.

I did at one point say that I was generalizing with my comments but I perhaps should have also said that most beautiful women will adjust relatively normally to the odd situation in which they find themselves. Any exceptional person is abnormal in the statistical sense of the word. Because of some quality they have, they are out side the normal range where most people fit.

The normal curve. The beautiful and the very unattractive are not in the normal range as the vast majority of people are. 

As they are outside the normal range they will have to deal with circumstances which most other people do not. This is what I have been attempting to explain with my posts. I think I have achieved this but at the same time I have not highlighted that many beautiful women are probably nice people people with good psychological adjustment. They have been able to successfully negotiate the psychological pitfalls which their physical appearance brings them and develop psychologically in a reasonably normal way. 

It is true I have been focussing on the negative psychological fallout that their appearance can bring them. The reasons for doing this are obvious in that this is the purpose of the writing in the first place BUT I do also want to say that in my view most will avoid any serious psychological damage that could result, such as significant narcissism.

This of course applies to any person who has some exceptional quality whether that be academic ability, power, wealth, singing ability or being the fastest runner in the world. However I would say that the beautiful woman has more difficult circumstances than these others. In the other examples just cited they can easily hide their special attribute. No one would know they have it unless they are told or the person goes out of her way to show it, like running a race. 

However the beautiful woman cannot do this as her exceptional ability is ‘in you face’ each and every day she ventures out into the social world. She could dress in a very unattractive way but in essence she would have to hide herself like this for people to not see. 

It could therefore be said that her special ability is going to have more of an impact on her psychology than other types of special ability. Also her specialness is there from day one and especially from early adolescence whereas one does not know they have exceptional academic ability until the end of school or one does not know they are the fastest runner until they have competed at the olympics.

However I would like to say to these women that I apologize if I have treated them too harshly. My motive was to look at this group who fall out side the normal range and examine what may be the psychological consequences of that. Naturally there will tend to be more interest in the negative psychological consequences as that is what psychologists and psychotherapists are required to deal with when they work. Clients don’t seek out psychotherapists to work on what is positive and healthy.

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The psychology of the beautiful woman - Part 2

Some time ago I wrote an article on life positions and concluded that there were 7 life positions instead of the customary 4. However in that article I asserted that human do not naturally see OKness in others. They have to be forced to see others as OK as it is not a natural thing for them to do. Whilst this may seem a somewhat machiavellian view of human nature it is one that I hold to and I may add could be argued to be consistent with Freud’s view of the natural state of human psychology.

This view follows the idea of primary narcissism as was presented by Freud. Every child is born a narcissist or as Freud would put it, with a form of self love that he called primary narcissism. On a side note this makes the narcissistic personality type unique amongst all the other personality types such as the paranoid, schizoid, OC, hysteric and so forth. People as they develop will grow into these personality types. They develop over time as a result of the person’s natural temperament and the early life script decisions they make. With the narcissistic personality it is not a matter of growing into it but growing out of it. The narcissist never resolves or develops out of his state of primary narcissism as all the other personality types do.

One resolves their primary narcissism by having the value of others forced upon them. Parents show to the child that the value and rights of their siblings are just as important as their own. Parents force the child to see the value of their siblings. They can’t eat all the cake alone but are forced to share it with their brothers and sisters because they are just as important. When this happens the child develops out of its state of primary narcissism and begins to conclude that others are OK. 

The machiavellian part is that if left alone a child will not naturally share the cake. Instead it will eat it all and leave none for the siblings if it can get away with it. So what has this got to do with the psychology of the beautiful woman you may ask. In my original article I state that people who are exceptionally good looking, very rich, famous or very powerful are not required to see others as OK like the average person is. Because of their special attribute they will always have a queue of people who are willing to be friends or at least associates of theirs. They do not have to treat others with as much respect that the average looking woman does, at least with males. Now I am sure many very good looking women have the view that others are OK, but the point here is that it is harder for them to maintain that position than it is with the average looking woman. That average female does not have a queue and hence she is constantly reminded of the necessity to treat others as OK such that they will still want to be her friend. The very beautiful woman has to spend extra effort to avoid the ever present slide back into her state of primary narcissism.

Siblings are crucial for our development out of primary narcissism.

I have mentioned before how the beautiful looking woman is in danger of being seduced by her own seductiveness. From early adolescence onwards she discovers that her beauty will get some (many) men to give her extra special treatment when she wants it. The problem with this is she will start to rely on it. The more she relies on it the less she has to develop other skills to get what is wanted. She does not have to develop other skills that the average looking woman does and indeed the male do, to get on in life and get where one is wanting to go.

A woman, particularly a good looking woman can use her physical attractiveness to climb up the ladder of what ever profession she is in. I am not talking about sleeping with various people to get to the top but as I mentioned in part one, the unconscious level of communication that is ever present in human communication. In this case between the woman and the man that will have some level of sexualness involved in it, especially for the very good looking female. Indeed I suggest that this will happen in many males minds whether she likes it or not.

This provides an interesting view on what is known as the glass ceiling effect for women. The idea, at least in westernized democracies, that there is a trend for women to make it only so far up the corporate ladder and then they seem to stop. There are very few women who actually get right to the top of what ever profession they may be in such as in politics or the commercial world. There are probably multiple reasons for this but for the beautiful woman she is especially disadvantaged in this way. 

I would suggest that right at the very top of any profession her physical attractiveness counts for very little. She needs the other skills required, such that the men at the top have, whether they be political skills, commercial skills or some other kind of skill. At the very high levels the beauty stops working, or is much less influential in the males mind at least. She becomes more of a direct competitor to the male. If she has relied on her beauty then she has not had to develop (so much) the other skills over the years and hence she is disadvantaged. She has been seduced by her own seductiveness. Physical attractiveness for the male has never helped him climb the corporate ladder and thus he has had to develop the other skills required over many years.

One other thing not uncommonly seen in counselling with the female who is entering mid to late adulthood involves at times a significant level of psychological adjustment to be made. It can be quite a difficult time for her indeed. The looks start to disappear. What a western society has determined as physical attractiveness tends to go for the female when she reaches this stage of life. She discovers she is noticed less by males and indeed they start to notice the younger looking female instead. The more physical attractiveness she had the more she is going to notice this. For some women this period can be a time of quite difficult psychological adjustment.

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The psychology of the beautiful woman - Part 3

In the first two posts of this theme I have mainly talked about the woman's’ relationship with men. Of course she also has to relate to the other 50% of the worlds population - all the other females. What are some of the psychological consequences of the very physically attractive woman doing this?

It seems that she is in the same position as any exceptional woman. Those who may have exceptional ability in sport or academically or perhaps special musical ability. How does this effect the relationship with her same sexed peers.

My answer to this by and large depends on how she handles it. There will be a group of peers who develop quite envious feelings about her specialness with men. However this would usually not be a large group. I have talked previously about envy here.

I think it is safe to say that most women will not feel envious to any significant degree and indeed they will feel happy for the attractive woman. I have done a bit of ad hoc research on this. On Facebook one can look at many peoples photographs, sometimes the owner of the Facebook will be a very attractive female. I came across one the other day of a woman in her early twenties who is very physically attractive and she had the usual collection of photographs. Some of the pictures were her all dressed up, socializing somewhere highlighted all her attractive physical features. I have cited the 27 comments that followed her picture and have indicated which were made by females (14) and which were made by males (13).

amazing - m

your body is insane - f

outfit = niice ahhaha - f

insane body and looks :) - m

stunning! - f

fukn hell - m

holy shit. that is all - m

electraaa :) - m

:) you look soo good - m

fuck me - f

you are so hot - f

your amazingg! - f

Such good tattoos and costumee - f

amazing - f

O amazing - m

best compliment when people say we look alike! your gorgeouss - f

 JESUS FUKING WOWWWW - m

wow.. you are amazing - f

100% pornstar - m

your body ! - f

OH MY GOD! - m

i hate it - f

amazing - f

yummmy - m

JESUS! - f

pornstar? - m

Small tan - m

Only one comment is adversarial. Of course there may be others who have felt envious and simply not commented but it is interesting to see that just as many females have commented as males and the female comments are kind and nice and complimentary. 

This was typical of other pictures she had and it shows that females are prepared to make public comment, enjoy her good looks and wish her well. This is what I would have expected to happen which is nice to know.

However it seems reasonable to assume that a lot of it depends on how she handles her beauty. Does she shove it in others faces, does she develop a sense of superiority because of it, does she let others know how much more beautiful she is than them.  If she does not do such things then most people are going to like her and not be put off by her and her appearance. If she treats others with respect then they will do the same back no matter what she looks like. There is nothing amazingly remarkable in such a proposal. Really it is a bit of a non issue for the same sexed peers of the beautiful woman if she handles it well.

From a parenting point of view it can be a difficult scenario when she reaches early adolescence and discovers what her physical appearance can get her. In particular the effect it can have on males. The parents need to be sensitive to the view of males that she is beginning to develop. There are a group of males she will be able to exploit and exploit a lot including direct financial exploitation. Of course a parent is not wanting this to happen.

I recall many years ago a small group of girls in my social circle who used to boast they could go out on a Saturday night with no money and come home fed and inebriated. Nobody likes a user and I made sure I kept them at a safe distance.

Finally we have the very difficult parenting situation where one daughter is very attractive (or has some other form of exceptional ability) and the other daughters are not. This can sometimes result in the cinderella life script. The parents downplay the attractiveness of the one daughter so the others don’t feel so bad or not as good as their beautiful sister. 

Alternatively the parents may repeatedly highlight the one daughters beauty and not mention the other daughters and this can have a detrimental effect on the sisters. A difficult parenting situation indeed that needs to be handled with caution.

Graffiti

The psychology of the beautiful woman - Part 2

Some time ago I wrote an article on life positions and concluded that there were 7 life positions instead of the customary 4. However in that article I asserted that human do not naturally see OKness in others. They have to be forced to see others as OK as it is not a natural thing for them to do. Whilst this may seem a somewhat machiavellian view of human nature it is one that I hold to and I may add could be argued to be consistent with Freud’s view of the natural state of human psychology.

This view follows the idea of primary narcissism as was presented by Freud. Every child is born a narcissist or as Freud would put it, with a form of self love that he called primary narcissism. On a side note this makes the narcissistic personality type unique amongst all the other personality types such as the paranoid, schizoid, OC, hysteric and so forth. People as they develop will grow into these personality types. They develop over time as a result of the person’s natural temperament and the early life script decisions they make. With the narcissistic personality it is not a matter of growing into it but growing out of it. The narcissist never resolves or develops out of his state of primary narcissism as all the other personality types do.

One resolves their primary narcissism by having the value of others forced upon them. Parents show to the child that the value and rights of their siblings are just as important as their own. Parents force the child to see the value of their siblings. They can’t eat all the cake alone but are forced to share it with their brothers and sisters because they are just as important. When this happens the child develops out of its state of primary narcissism and begins to conclude that others are OK. 

The machiavellian part is that if left alone a child will not naturally share the cake. Instead it will eat it all and leave none for the siblings if it can get away with it. So what has this got to do with the psychology of the beautiful woman you may ask. In my original article I state that people who are exceptionally good looking, very rich, famous or very powerful are not required to see others as OK like the average person is. Because of their special attribute they will always have a queue of people who are willing to be friends or at least associates of theirs. They do not have to treat others with as much respect that the average looking woman does, at least with males. Now I am sure many very good looking women have the view that others are OK, but the point here is that it is harder for them to maintain that position than it is with the average looking woman. That average female does not have a queue and hence she is constantly reminded of the necessity to treat others as OK such that they will still want to be her friend. The very beautiful woman has to spend extra effort to avoid the ever present slide back into her state of primary narcissism.

Siblings are crucial for our development out of primary narcissism.

I have mentioned before how the beautiful looking woman is in danger of being seduced by her own seductiveness. From early adolescence onwards she discovers that her beauty will get some (many) men to give her extra special treatment when she wants it. The problem with this is that she will start to rely on it. The more she relies on it the less she has to develop other skills to get what is wanted. She does not have to develop other skills that the average looking woman does and indeed the male does, to get on in life and get where one is wanting to go.

A woman, particularly a good looking woman can use her physical attractiveness to climb up the ladder of what ever profession she is in. I am not talking about sleeping with various people to get to the top but as I mentioned in part one, the unconscious level of communication that is ever present in human communication. In this case between the woman and the man that will have some level of sexualness involved in it, especially for the very good looking female. Indeed I suggest that this will happen in many males minds whether she likes it or not.

This provides an interesting view on what is known as the glass ceiling effect for women. The idea, at least in westernized democracies, that there is a trend for women to make it only so far up the corporate ladder and then they seem to stop. There are very few women who actually get right to the top of what ever profession they may be in such as in politics or the commercial world. There are probably multiple reasons for this but for the beautiful woman she is especially disadvantaged in this way. 

I would suggest that right at the very top of any profession her physical attractiveness counts for very little. She needs the other skills required, such that the men at the top have, whether they be political skills, commercial skills or some other kind of skill. At the very high levels the beauty stops working, or is much less influential in the males mind at least. She becomes more of a direct competitor to the male. If she has relied on her beauty then she has not had to develop (so much) the other skills over the years and hence she is disadvantaged. She has been seduced by her own seductiveness. Physical attractiveness for the male has never helped him climb the corporate ladder and thus he has had to develop the other skills required over many years.

One other thing not uncommonly seen in counselling with the female who is entering mid to late adulthood involves at times a significant level of psychological adjustment to be made. It can be quite a difficult time for her indeed. The looks start to disappear. What a western society has determined as physical attractiveness tends to go for the female when she reaches this stage of life. She discovers she is noticed less by males and indeed they start to notice the younger looking female instead. The more physical attractiveness she had the more she is going to notice this. For some women this period can be a time of quite difficult psychological adjustment.

Graffiti

The psychology of the beautiful woman - Part 1

What are some of the psychological phenomena that surround the exceptionally good looking female. This post is based on my own observations in everyday life and from listening to clients talk in the safety and security of the counselling room for the past 30 years. As with anything human there are always differences and exceptions so I am generalizing here.

There is probably a gender difference on this topic and the very good looking female is impacted differently than the very good looking male. One of the reasons for this is that males tend to be more visual in their initial attraction to a female. Women tend to look more at the whole package rather than just the physical appearance of the man, whereas men will be more singularly focussed on the physical attributes of the woman. This of course varies from man to man and over time it changes. 

Whilst the physical attributes of the female are a high priority initially, over time that changes and moves down the list of priorities for most men and other various personality characteristics move up the list of importance. No matter how good looking the woman may be it is probably safe to say that if the man does not feel a love or personality connection with the woman sooner or later, then he will eventually feel a need to end the relationship.

Beauty and culture

One at times hears the question:

“Can a male and a female ever be just friends?”

My answer is of course they can and it happens all the time. For instance there are many men and women who may have a sexual - romantic attraction to each other and just remain friends. They never act on the psychological attraction because one or both of them may be married or for some other reason. 

The real question should be:

“Can male and female friends never have a sexual romantic attraction in their relationship?”

If the two are of about the same age and they like each other then the answer for the male is probably not. The more good looking the female the more the answer is no.

Perhaps I should clarify what I am talking about here. This is done best with the transactional diagram.

The vast majority of human communication is unconscious. The beautiful female and the male at a conscious level can quite easily have a slightly flirtatious, sensual component when they are communicating. However I would also suggest that even when that is not happening at the unconscious level it is usually there anyway. 

So the very good looking female rarely experiences adult men with out this in the relationship. They don’t often get to experience a non sexualized relationship with an adult male. In this way their relationships have a superficiality about them whether they like it or not. To clarify this I will provide an unusual example, that of John Merrick. He was the elephant man which was made into a well known movie. He was grotesquely deformed and spent time in freak shows before finally becoming accepted to some degree by main stream society.

In the movie at one point, in great exasperation, he cries out the profound line

"I am not an elephant! I am not an animal! I am a human being! I ... am ... a ... man!"

Because of his very unusual physical appearance he comes to realize that many people can never see him beyond his physical appearance. They never see him as a man or person because they can not get past his looks. The same can apply for the beautiful woman. Some men will simply never be able to get past the looks and never see the person she is. It is probably safe to say that many or most men will always be distracted to some degree by the looks away from the person behind the looks. Thus she rarely gets to experience a non sexualized relationship with an adult male.

This occurs as a result of the males reaction to her. Some would argue that men are hard wired to respond to attractive women in that way. However maybe it is not all just one sided.

When such females reach adolescence they quickly learn that their physical beauty can get some (many) men to give them special treatment that they would not give so much to other women or males. They quickly learn their beauty is a powerful tool that works to get them special treatment. As she grows she may find this occurs often and consistently such that it becomes a habitual and ingrained way for her to relate with men. She will use her looks to get special treatment even when she is not aware she is doing so. Thus, should she even want a non sexualized relationship with a male she may struggle to do so because that way of relating for her has now become an ingrained habit. So she is left stuck with a quite repetitious and unvarying way of relating to a significant section of the worlds population.

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